Prior to 2019Edit
Zenpaw's life prior to his fatal excursion with the Smurfs was moony and uneventful. Being introverted by nature, Zenpaw could not help but be drawn into the perfidious circle of internet fan communities—most importantly the Drunken Peasants Discord; much ire was directed his way here from a Pecksniffian liberal by the name of Luis. The apotheosis of such quarreling resulted in Zenpaw rubbing his lonely, prosaic eyes, disillusioned by the time wasted during his teenage years; the goal was set forth that he was to become a normie and depart from internet communities for good.
Zenpaw's first attempts thereof were awkward, to say the least. In the meantime—whilst studying the labyrinthine nature of women on Omegle—Zenpaw received an all-important invitation to a local party. Howling with an insatiable desire to lose his virginity, Zenpaw committed an act of unspeakable scoundrelry. While at the party, an acquaintance of Zenpaw extended his arm to the desperate Ukrainian with the following offer: "My girlfriend is upstairs; the two of us have just finished having sexual relations, and she expects me up there soon for round 2. Here is the opportunity you have been waiting for, my dearest friend: take this condom, sneak on up, and pretend as if you're me." "Really?," asked Zenpaw with an incredulous look in his eyes, "you would so graciously step aside for someone the likes of myself?" His friend, corporeally a Good Guy Greg, affirmed his offer, and Zenpaw, contrariwise a Scumbag Steve, agreed without haste. An act of rape by deception occurred, however which way you dice it. Following a premature ejaculation, Zenpaw made off on seven-league boots, unpunished and thenceforward a changed man.
Shortly after this fate-determining event, Zenpaw, in the face of all odds, managed to court a woman by the name of Kennedy. The honeymoon period was short-lived, suffice to say; inexperience on Zenpaw's part lead them to constant vicissitudes, wavering between bouts of extreme sexual passion and horrifying physical abuse (the violence was hailed towards Zenpaw, rather than vice versa as one might expect). How did our young friend cope? Copious amounts of alcohol. The one joy which kept Zenpaw afloat through this living-nightmare of a relationship was spending time "Netflix and chill[ing]." Zenpaw became enamored by Netflix; not only did it provide a vessel for him to avoid socializing with people, but it simultaneously made him feel as if he was a normie—the aforementioned goal which Zenpaw clumsily tried to realize.
In late 2018, while binging Marvel movies, Zenpaw, through his outermost periphery, took glance upon an advertisement which enthralled him: Gnomeo and Juliet 3. Never before had he ever seen such an enchantingly beautiful movie, rich in texture with references to Shakespere, cultured among the stench of modern Hollywood pictures. The release date was Summer of 2019; Zenpaw tossed and turned at night, convulsing violently in anticipation. Zenpaw's weight began to plummet, as the pining enthusiasm distracted him from his basic means of subsistence.
The day finally arrived. Zenpaw, with an Holodomor-esque physique and still ever the beer-quaffer, was beyond excited. Zenpaw's initial plans were to see the film in theaters with a friend; these plans were to be disastrously bungled soon enough. When his ride arrived, Zenpaw took note of his friend's puzzling behavior, but shrugged it off and took the wheel. As the pair made their way down the intersection, an acrid taste, suddenly and vociferously, seethed through Zenpaw's mouth; his friend had keistered cocaine into the car and wedged his powder-contaminated finger into Zenpaw's mouth. As Zenpaw was already in a drunken stupor, the cocaine laced with the liquor to create a pernicious concoction. Very quickly the police took note of his reckless, breakneck driving. Willing to do anything to make it to the Gnomeo and Juliet 3 screening, Zenpaw drove the car off the shoulder and into the Northern Pacific forest to escape.
When Zenpaw came to, he discovered the mutilated corpse of his friend. Wondering about the mountainous terrain, the thought arose in poor Zenpaw's mind that perhaps he'd never get to watch Gnomeo and Juliet 3. It was at this moment that Zenpaw took note of an ongoing gnome battle 10 feet ahead. Being carried by one of the gnomes was Smurfette from the neighboring Smurf Village. Zenpaw's heart skipped a beat; never before had he seen something so beautiful and helpless. Running off like a knight-errant, Zenpaw formulated a game-plan to actualize his own version of Gnomeo and Juliet. The only way in which Zenpaw could make love to Smurfette without impaling her upon his Mike Matei-sized schlong was to obtain a shrinking elixir from Gatackamel. Gatackamel for months had been begging Zenpaw to give him 'boonk gang' role in Lobster (a Discord server where which both Gatackamel and Zenpaw frequently gathered). Zenpaw messaged Gatackamel and promised him said role if the latter would provide the required goods; the deal successfully went through.