Ted Kaczynski, more famously known as the Unabomber, was an anarcho-primitivist, former FBI's Most Wanted terrorist, and mathematics prodigy.

Prior to 2019Edit

Ted Kaczynski was born in Chicago, Illinois on May 22, 1942 to a working-class family of Chad ectomorphs. Initially, Ted had a life of blue collar Midwestern boomerisms to look forward to, but fate had other wacky hijinks in store for him. First things first, his frail Slavic form was endowed with a 167 IQ wojak brain that made him both an ingenious savant and a debilitating autist. That alone wasn't enough, so for added zeal he was plagued with terrible hives as a toddler and placed in prolonged medical isolation that would scar him for the rest of his life. Kaczynski's formative years were characterized by his repeated attempts at trying to be a normal whizz kid but then being immediately subverted by the hand of fate-- nurturing him away from a confident intellect into a shy loner. Ted finally began to catch a break in high school where he and other math nerds got together to form a math club where they challenged themselves to solve of advanced equations. But before the young man could finally grasp his social barring in life, this riveting extracurricular coupled with his rapid promotion through grades catapulted the 16 year-old Kaczynski into throws of Harvard, all without any of the proper mental fortitude or basic skills needed to survive.

These factors were getting us to where we needed to be, but they wouldn't quite clinch it on their own. A government-funded psychological experiment designed to break down people's self-image is what was needed to really seal the deal, and it was just such an experiment that came around to help our man get into the annals of history! The object of the experiment was to convince the subjects that they would be debating their personal philosophies/worldviews with a fellow student when in actuality they would be going up against a trained attorney whose only job was to personally deride the subjects and record the info for further study. Every week for the next three years, the already psychologically unstable and socially insecure Kaczynski was humiliated by a total stranger so that some eggheads could figure out if psychological abuse was really all it was cracked up to be. In a way, I guess they got their answer.

The later instances of Ted's life can basically be summarized as a healthy venting of one's personal issues.


In 2019, after being confined inside ADX Florence for over 2 decades, Ted made a daring escape which defied all the authorities' expectations. Ted, much like other famous American serial killers after escaping, could not resist his drive to end human life; his first planned victim was Gatack's Dad, a petit-bourgeois industrialist, located in Seattle. Following a prolonged getaway from the police—where he traveled cross-country on his bike from his Colorado-based captivity—Ted managed to arrive at his prey's home.


Ted, ProJared, and TsimFuckis outside of Gatack's house

Transpiring alongside these events, ProJared and TsimFuckis, both of whom had been stalking Gatack's Dad for weeks, coincidentally located his home on the same night that Ted had. Ted was recruited by the duo, as the interest in murdering Gatack's Dad and his son was shared mutually. While ProJared chased after Gatack's father, Ted and TsimFuckis focused on murdering Gatack. Their plans were bungled by Ted when a pipebomb he set off notified police of their whereabouts (ProJared and TsimFuckis were also fugitives by this point). Spurred into action, Kaczynski rushed the gang into safety on his bicycle whither they came: to ProJared's wife's car, parked nearby. Details are shoddy as to what happened next: after driving into the woods and escaping from a bear, the trio planned to travel to Minneapolis, Minnesota in order to assassinate their next target, Christian Hannah; these plans

Ted and TsimFuckis being ran over by Styxhexenhammer

apparently fizzled out. Ted and his newly formed anarcho-primitivist union managed to evade arrest from the authorities for 7 years, despite efforts by the FBI, and afterwards the Mossad, to pinpoint them.

Death Edit

In 2026, after the formation of the Destructive Four, Ted Kaczynski, at the ripe old age of 84, was unintentionally ran over by Styxhexenhammer666 during a high-speed car chase; Tsimfuckis likewise died, while ProJared gazed on in horror.


Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.