Prior to 2019Edit
Despite Howard's larger-than-life presence and far-reaching infamy, little is truly known for certain about his origins and background. This can largely be accredited to his numerous dealings with many shadowy government agencies and international crime rings, and the fact that he has crippling dementia. What can be ascertained despite the widely varying and contradicting accounts of Howard's life is that he is a white American male who was born around the mid 1950's. It should be noted, however, that many other sources (of varying reputability) claim Howard is much older, or that he possesses supernatural/paranormal attributes that have allowed him to alter events in both the distant past and future. These instances, however, seem to be nothing more than Howard giving trite commentary on significant historical figures/events or pulling unfunny pranks that end up not working but amuse him profoundly. These claims have drawn some Howard scholars to believe that he is simply a foil for the Elder god Nyarlathotep of Lovecraft lore, albeit as a much more senile iteration, though this is still being heatedly-debated in modern academia, and has yet to attract any serious consideration among senior Howardologists.
Vietnam and "Technobabble"Edit
The earliest confirmed account of Howard's activity was his unofficial deployment as an infantryman in the Vietnam War. Information regarding which branch is unconfirmed, but it is heavily implied in other available documents that he had received basic training with the Marines with all explicit mentions likely redacted from official documents to spare the dignity of the branch. Following this logic, it's no wonder why most official government documents swear he was either a deranged civilian or with the Navy. Since Howard's exact involvement is unknown and there is no declassified information regarding his assignment under any commanding officer during the war, the [REDACTED] accounts of systematic genocide, rape, indecent exposure and public loitering throughout Vietnam, Laos, and Cambodia from 1974 to 1981 have been accredited to Howard instead of any government body, military, or paramilitary entity.
Following his time in Southeast Asia, Howard returned to the United States to pursue a career in "technobabble" where he became intimately familiar with the inner workings of the various marketing strategies of corporate America. His career would have also required him to frequently meet with some of the most influential men in the global economy, as well as major cultural influencers like Harvey Weinstein, and aspiring financiers such as Jeffrey Epstein, both of whom he would become lifelong friends with. He also did a shit-ton of cocaine. Information about Howard's exact whereabouts and activities after the early 80's is incredibly sketchy, but it is largely believed that the skills and connections he acquired whilst rubbing shoulders with the wealthiest and most powerful men in the world during numerous cocaine binges and homoerotic (i.e., Platonic) sleepovers facilitated his annulment into the Israeli intelligence agency, Mossad. It should be noted that there is evidence to believe that Howard's connections to the Mossad might predate this period, and can even be traced back to before the Vietnam War (sources vary). It is confirmed, however, that Howard maintains a healthy relationship with international financier Jacob Rothschild, initiated after a meeting in 1981 personally arranged by the esteemed banker (supposedly about their alleged familial relation).
Involvement with MossadEdit
Howard's exact history with Mossad is unknown, but most sources claim that he rose to prominence within the organization around the mid-80's to late 90's. It was during this time that Howard met and befriended prominent Mossad affiliates Baruch Goldstein II and to-be Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. Sources that claim Howard had been involved with Mossad prior to the Vietnam War (and that he is greater in age and/or possesses supernatural abilities) say that he was actively involved in the agency's Nazi hunting operations during the mid-40's. At the same time, however, the same documents claim, with no hint of contradiction, that Howard had also been a high-ranking Nazi party member actively (and in most cases, enthusiastically) involved in both the Holocaust and numerous other crimes against humanity throughout the 30's and 40's. Further documentation also states that he was eventually prosecuted by the Allied tribunals at Nuremburg, though their verdict has not yet been declassified or is already heavily redacted. Supposedly leaked transcripts of this trial depict Howard's testimony as a disjointed set of nonsensical tirades littered with racist caricaturing, bad puns, baseless insults, and misplaced toilet humor. Even more bizarre is how these sources make no effort to explain or even decipher these blatantly contradicting accounts, and proceed to document the rest Howard's biography without addressing either them or their consequences ever again.
All sources affirm, however, that Howard's involvement with Mossad officially ended sometime in the late 2000's or early 2010's, closely following his early retirement from "technobabble" and his brief fling with niche internet communities.
Smurf SagaEditIn 2019, Howard resurfaced after almost a decade of inactivity when he was reported to have been involved in an attempt to prevent the rape of Smurfette by Zenpaw in the aptly named Blue Hat Red Shirt Gnome Village. He had been arrested by the local authorities on unknown charges and locked away in the town's dungeon beneath Smurfette's tower. It was there that he encountered two of the conspirators, 1488 Smurf and Snork Smurf, who attempted to recruit the languishing man into their quest. Their attempts proved to be ineffectual at first as 1488 Smurf quickly resorted to racially fueled violence, and was promptly killed by Howard's daunting strength and agility. Snork Smurf, however, was ultimately successful in quelling Howard's wrath, and the old man agreed to aid his journey. His involvement was short lived, however, as his body was used as a human battering ram to free the last of the conspirators from their cell, leaving Howard unconscious and physically debilitated. He was then left to the care of George Lucas who had also been incarcerated nearby until he, at last, regained consciousness and joined the rest of the Gnome Village in listening to Zenpaw's speech. After Zenpaw's death, Howard and Snork Smurf sang a duet together during the celebratory fiesta.
Five years later, Howard had once again found himself unjustly imprisoned by yet another tyrannical government actor. This time, he had been incarcerated in the recently conquered United States, then controlled by the state of Israel, in a maximum security prison located in the Bronx. There, he had met his old friend Jeffrey Epstein (small world) and the two devised a plan to breakout of the facility. Through an incredibly complex and daring sequence of events, the two rogues freed themselves from the prison and made their way to redress their grievances with Mossad representatives at the Bronx's Mossad Base. At his arrival, Howard was given all the pomp and circumstance owed to one who was held in the highest regard by the state of Israel, and was promptly reunited with the base's commander and his old acquaintance, Baruch Goldstein II. Howard and Epstein were immediately enrolled into Mossad and each given separate yet equally imperative tasks. Concurrently, as Jeffrey Epstein was sent to abate their mutual friend, Harvey Weinstein, who, Mossad intel had shown, had been planning a terrorist attack, Howard was assigned with the elimination of the leader of the Bronx's white supremacist gang, Public Enemy No. 1. Howard, however, whose pager was alerted by Epstein to a grave threat which the latter was facing, disobeyed orders to rescue his friend, thereby officially becoming listed as a deserter by the Israeli government. Upon Howard's arrival, whence he became cognizant of the gravity of the confrontation, wherein Epstein's fiancée, Ghislaine Maxwell, was being held hostage by Weinstein, did he realize that reasoning with his former friend would be a futile effort. His seasoned experience in numerous military encounters and his advanced training with Mossad in the preceding century allowed Howard to fatally neutralize Weinstein, who, nonetheless, was an American hero prior to his excursion into villainy. In order to allow the American populace to continue to maintain hope against their Israeli occupiers, Howard agreed to take blame for Weinstein's recent spree of criminality, as well as responsibility for his death, thereby granting Weinstein martyr status. Promptly, after Epstein and Maxwell had absconded to safety, Howard detonated the explosives Weinstein was in possession of, destroying all evidence contrary to his heroic narrative, although, as luck would have it, accidentally getting himself caught within the blast radius—thus, ending his awe-inspiring life.
Although Howard's horrible and unequivocal failure tarnished both Mossad and Goldstein's credibility for years (severely besmirching the rest of the latter's career), the smoldering remains of his eviscerated corpse were recovered by Mossad agents and sent back to their Base's secret laboratory for "scientific examination". Per the request of Goldstein himself, what remained of Howard's vital organs were synthetically reanimated with state-of-the-art biotechnology and fitted into a twelve foot cybernetic mecha-soldier; armed to the teeth with agile combat techniques, lightning fast reflexes, and a deadly arsenal of lethal weaponry that he might be able to dutifully serve Mossad for years to come. He was quickly dispatched with and destroyed by a man with a stick two years later.
- He had a wedding night. It was pretty kek and lindy.
- He's into African-American women with afros.
- He hates plants.
- It is not known whether Howard actually has Jewish ancestry or not. He does, however, have significant Polish ancestry, which might explain where he derives this delusion (and the fact that he has crippling dementia).
- He has crippling dementia.
- Howard has three descending testicles.
- His penis is 3.174172468 inches when fully erect (the only piece of Howard lore which is 100% confirmed).
- He gets all his information from RazörFist, his most successful clone.
- He is not to be confused with "Howard Phillips Lovecraft", the famous cosmic horror writer-- the two are completely unrelated. They may have met, like, once.
- Had 200,000 people with Bill Graham in 1975.
- Walked Bob Dylan up on stage.
- Knew the 'Grateful Dead' back in 1966.
- "I miss my afro women :("
- "I don't wanna hear about your fucking liberal movies!"
- "Lazy writing, too much nudity" -Howard's scathing review of 'Chicken Little'
- "The science isn't exactly concrete, but we're working on it!" -Howard upon receiving an unsatisfactory cephalic index.